Kim Kardashian's Ass. What Could Be More Important?
The economic meltdown. Genocide in Africa. Civil unrest challenging the rule of law in Eastern Europe. With all of these vital, life-and-death situations on our plate as global citizens, what could be more important right now?
Kim Kardashian's ass could. I write this with only a small degree of irony.
I came to this decision whilst googling images of Kim Kardashian's ass on google image search. For all the eye-rollers out there, I've already got you pegged:
you're either female (in which case this blog is not fah ya)
or you're now leaving this blog and navigating to google image search (Really? *Corky voice* There's a search engine for images?) search term "Kim+ Kardashian +ass"
So as I found several of these images, and there are several, not only was I blown away by the beauty therein, but I was also blown away by the hate that was associated with it in the articles. Of course there are haters everywhere, but it's like every article was calling her out as having "cottage cheese ass" or "butt implants" or simply a "ginormous ass." I've seen some big asses in my time, for good and ill. And her ass is not that big. It's medium.
Now it is beautifully shaped - that's why I'm aiming my search and the rest of my being towards it - but not that big. This is kind of like the J-Lo thing that happened a few years ago. People saying it's the biggest ever. It's just big, it's not like Jupiter. So all that hate and stuff on the blogs? There has to be an explanation. Maybe the female bloggers are hating, that makes sense. But the guys? Why would they hate? Maybe they're blogging with their girlfriend over their shoulder? I've discussed this at length with friends, and I won't bore you with all of the psychobabble about subconscious racism, and socioeconomic discrimination, but it boils down to this:
Your dick is too small. Yeah I said it.
It's just biology dude. If you're bottoming out and hitting the coccyx bone UH THAT DOESNT FEEL GOOD. When in public conversation and I hear a dude say "I don't like a big ass," I already know he's insecure about uhmmm length. And Kim Kardashian is not overweight, or fat. She's awesome-looking, and her ass is proportional to her waist, something close to the .7 ratio we've genetically selected to be most attractive for women.
So those dudes saying her ass is too big aint saying she's fat. They're saying they know they can't do a thing with it!
So if there's a great deal of big-ass-calling to Kardashian, and we've established that her ass is actually not that big, AND the blogs and news articles that say this are being consumed without too much protest (indicating some degree of tacit public agreement) what does this mean? Does this mean that most ppl are in fact missing big enough ass in their life? Does it mean that the majority are in fact having little dicks? My mind is a little boggled by this, but that's nothing new. Like am I crazy for thinking that her ass looks, you know, normal, and that's how it should look? As Scarface said,sometimes I feel like I'm the one that's doing dope.
So what have I learned today? To sum up:
Kim Kardashian is bad in the ass, waist, and face.
Ppl saying her ass is too big are either haters (jealous women) or men with tiny penii
Looking at flix of Kardashian demands my attention far and above that of current sociopolitical events
Ok so today is 420 right? For all yall that DON'T know:
(420 is the number of molecules in THC, the chemical in weed that gets you high. So the number is like magical man. And on today's date - April 20th - or 4/20 - heads all over the world puff in honor of that number. )
They're getting ready for the big day, they're baking brownies, they're rolling spliffs , cleaning out all the Roors and Sweetwaters, even soaking the glass screens, so they can get up the next day and just baaaaake all day dude. They're making special Moe / Dead / North Mississippi All Stars / Widespread .mp3 mixes, with the Jerry Garcia DVD loaded up. They spread hemp butter on their toast.
They even have Legalize it T-shirts on, & sweet trucker caps with the marijuana leaf logo on the front. They are wearing hemp necklaces and cargoes and sleep on hemp sheets and their hos have hemp thongs on and don't even get me started on all the hemp shirts they have DUDE it's like linen. Xcept it rubs you raw as a m^(&^fCk3r and then you use hemp butter lotion to soothe yr skin.
Dude they are SO ready for 420.
They set their watches for 4:20 a.m. AND p.m. (just to get a jump on those other poser stoners and be REALLY uh 420ed on both times).
When I was 16 this type of thing was the shit. I might have my bro point to a secret box or a dollar bill and show me how "I could put my weed in there" or how it showed the secret formula for the United States being based on the crop process for hemp. And all we could talk about was 420. But shockingly this year I find grown ass men speaking on 420. WTF
Yall so addicted. All this hemp and weed symbolism and numerology and narco-religion is lame as a motherfucker. I think weed is cool but yall are like worshipping it and Jim Jones isn't even making yall drink the Kool-Aid at AK point, yall just begging for it.
Feel a little bit ashamed because I argued with my Mom when I was younger and she told me drugs were just an escape from pain and reality. I've always been leftist, and support legalization, but ppl getting crunk = escapism = watching Rock of Love Tour Bus marathon = internet porn = Cinnamonster = I can't respect it except in small doses.
These days when I see ppl high in public I'm a little disgusted, and if they're sloppy the only thing I see is the Took Book. Ppl all the time are in the bar like "Dude, where's my phone," and all I want to do is laugh instead of help them. I do help them though but it's out of common respect for all ppl, the personal respect for them is GONE. I remember these guys so gone they're like Dude where's my pistol I lost it...It's like if they're drunk or rolling or weeded or Xanied or leant or their eyes are rolling for whatever reason I think these )(&^&(*^ got to GO. If'n yall can't handle yr liquor or lean or weed then chill out and sit down lol - yall about like this cop Unless they're wearing stunna shades. Then it's ok because nobody can tell. JK yall soft as hell n we laughing at yall!
The worst is when they're at work. I can kind of go for it if you're already wealthy you probably don't need to be on top of yr game, but if you work at a regular job? Dude just stop doing drugs long enough to get me right, then go back to whatever it is you do.
I work at a few nightclubs in my "city." (NOTE: many things will be left vague in this blog to avoid putting everybody on blast. In fact this hamlet I live in is really small so if I name names it's gonna get out. But does the world wide web make everything small / the world is flat now? Can I instantly put everyone on blast with the push of a button? Is it now the world wide blast?)
In conversation people find out I work some clubs which are "urban." By "urban" (which I say while putting my fingers in quotes) I mean they play hip hop/rap from AFTER 2006 (hip hop/rap BEFORE 2006 is called "wedding music").
Conversation (verbatim):
Them: Isn't it really uhmm ghetto?
Me: *Shrug) I guess it depends on what you mean by ghetto.
Them: *smirk
Me: I hadn't had any problems.
Them: Wow.
Issues: Subliminal racism based around the word "ghetto" or "hood." What ppl really mean when they say that is "isn't that a BLACK club?" Then they begin to tremble and sometimes urinate on themselves at the thought. Know everyone is @ least a little bit racist but when ppl just basically scream at me "I'm afraid of black ppl" it's kind of pathetic. You shouldn't fear any man.
Overuse of the word ghetto/hood. Ghetto and Hood both shared the title for Overexposed To The Point of Meaninglessness Word of the Year 2003 - 2007, only to be barely edged out by Swag (2008 - current), and I object to its use unless one:
a) lives in the hood b) has lived in the hood (not visited your cousin for a few weeks during summer) c) otherwise has a hood pass (jump offs and "gfs" do not count)
So if this doesn't apply to you, don't assume you know what it is. If you come hang out then you can call it what you want.
Having said all of that though, there are good things and bad things about working @ these so-called hood clubs:
GOOD SIDE
Really good music, "hip" and "cutting edge"
Get to see many current rapstars perform
"Cool" clothing. (-snark, I mean it)
Coogi and Blac Label enthusiasts are able to see entire line in one place
Ppl "into the music" still "holding it together." Pretty much
Absence of hard drugs (this might be a good side to just me, I'm s*ber as f*ck)
Guaranteed to hear "Bounce Dat Ass" or "Doo Doo Brown" at least once per night
No glass to clean up
Absence of Fatman Scoop tracks
Many trapstars are pretty cool people
Security eager to throw hands
I'm often the whitest person there
Not distracted by the women
BAD SIDE
Security eager to throw hands
I'm often the whitest person there
Watch out for the big girls
many rapstars can not actually "rap" or even rock a party
ppl wear price tags on their clothes
Nightclub attitude heavy
Some VIPs debatably important
Bad tipper = Clown (and we are laughing at yr ass)
Trap customers somehow get a ride to the club and worm their way in
Debatable structural integrity of the building
Bar management's true goals often in question
Bare feet visible on both dance floor AND bathroom floor as women remove their HIGH HEELS IN ORDER TO DANCE. I wish I was making this up bro
DISCLAIMER: If you're offended, it's only because I was speaking about you specifically. Please put your shoes back on.
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