New Styles from NASCAR yall

OMG. OMG. O. M. G.

No photoshop was used in the creation of these photos. They are for real yall. (except for the ones that a hereditary republican would have made) They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so in the interest of brevity I need to just post this picture and end this weblog post.

Can we just analyze this picture one time? OMG when I took it I was breathtaken, but it’s like too much to take in at one time. Seriously this guy has shaved Dale Earnhardt Jrbro’s 88 number on to his chest. Besides the obvious numerological significance Im just astounded at his steady, steady hand. Look at his work. I bet he is a brain surgeon in his off time.

And this comment is not made snarkily. Dude look at his eyes, they are not that drunk and communicate a great degree of self-awareness via the angle of mouth openness. Which is zero. If this same dude was a mouth breather we might dismiss him, but the face saves it. I worked at a NASCAR event over the weekend, at the Chippendale’s #69 Car Latent Homosexual Driving Experience, and was truly astounded at what I saw.






Please keep in mind I am not some weak, sniveling New York or Jersey transplant screaming into her cellphone “you won’t believe it here! Everything closes at 9:00!” I’ve lived in the south my whole life. I was born in Tennessee, in the “BBQ Capital of the world,” and then moved to North Carolina, and stayed there. I hang out with people that are southern. I take on a southern accent in order to make them feel comfortable. I drink moonshine. I’ve eaten BBQ raccoon. Twice. I like big butts. I cannot lie.

So for me to be astounded is a big thing. Almost as big as the butts that I like. I’ve been around a lot of rednecks and upper-class southerners my whole life, and in fact I’ve worked for NASCAR before, but I figured out what happened, why I was astounded. Usually I go to a cookout, or to my friend’s house, and there is usually that guy, or maybe two guys. He drinks too much, he plays his music too loud. Or he starts fights. Or he calls everyone a faggot because he secretly dreams about Lance Bass. He is an asshole. But people accept him because he falls asleep after too long and it’s sort of annoying to whup him every night. He probably is overweight.

So it’s an economy of scale: 50,000 NASCAR fans = higher proportion of THAT GUY = WOW.

So what does that mean? It means when I’m not busy “hosting” for the Senators and Congressmen at the Chippendale’s #69 Car Latent Homosexual Driving Experience, I took pictures to try and capture the flavor of everything. This was a little dangerous because when you do that ppl think maybe u support Obama Bin Laden Al Hussein Al Barack.














But don’t think that NASCAR fans are one dimensional. Clearly they accept ppl of all homobrosexual orientations and mentally handicap bros, as we see here. I feel the need to reiterate that no photoshop was used here. I couldn’t make this up if I tried.









A word on “retardz.” Just because we’re at a NASCAR event in the south, does that mean many of the ppl will be retarded? Of course not. Many Damn Yankees will probably say yes and laugh behind their hands, or if you think that u r “cooler” than rednecks then you might say yes.
I never would.

But I was wrong. There were a lot of retarded ppl there. Like more than usual. I’m just calling it like I see it man. The white liberal in me didn’t want to admit it. But it was there! I didn’t take flix of that because that’s wrong. (NOTE: why is it wrong to take a flick of a retarded person but not of someone who shaves an 88 in their chest hair? Is there a difference in their IQ? There is, about a 30 point difference, and this 30 point difference enables us to poke fun at them. Because the +30s should know better.)

Perhaps more astounding was the banality of most of the crowd. Sure I snapped a few flix of some freaks, but the real tragedy was that most of the ppl were poster children for adult onset diabetes and did not take pride in the way they looked when they left the house. Like pulling up the pants REAL far up the waist.

The NASCAR race seemed to hold the extremes of the population: those that tucked in their shirts into their shorts,and those that didn’t even have shirts to tuck in.


A final question to ponder throughout your life:

Since I stood in the sun at a NASCAR event, below the Mason-Dixon line, in North Carolina, and the skin on my neck became sunburned and did actually turn red,

AM I A REDNECK?

Want An Ugly Girlfriend Please

Want An Ugly Girlfriend Please

Hey if there are some really ugly girls out there please know that I want you. To be my gf. For real yall.

Y would you ever want to do that? "You must be being ironic", u r saying to yourself right now.

But I'm not. I want an ugly gf. Like a 5.0 or a 4.0. No hot girls please.

OK I don't want an ugly gf because if I really did want one I would have one.


BUT when I see some bros with their ugly, fugly, or completely boring looking girls I am jealous.


I think to myself, they must be really secure with themselves, and also I bet they have like the most peaceful life.

Because really hot, sexy girls are, in general, trouble. Like there was this Smmmmokin hot girl Helen I was dating, and it turned out she was married, and then her husband went all apeshit on me, and you know he's Greek so you know how that's going to go. He and like a thousand of his homies got in their boats and murdered I don't know how many of my homies and then we were fighting for years.

Wait I'm trippin that didn't happen to me. But it did happen thousands of years ago, to dudes that weren't even myspacing yet.

But my point is this:
Really hot and sexy girls are big time trouble. A lot of times I'll be on the phone or texting with one, about to figure out the logistics of how and where to meet, knowing I'll probably have sex.
But I bow out. Because they're too much trouble to put up with. Why? That's a good question, I'm glad you axed:

WHY HOT GIRLS ARE MORE TROUBLE THAN THEY'RE WORTH

1. Attitude
2. Drama Inherent
3. Constant Competition
4. Physical Security
5. Lack of Intelligence / Consciousness

Attitude

If you grow up and everyone is always giving you what you want, and agreeing with you, and nodding their heads, and not giving you tickets when you're drunk driving with an open bottle of Stoli in one hand and an eight ball of something in the other hand driving backwards down a one-way straight over small children then u start to think you can get anything you want.
And you talk to people as if you can.
This is called "attitude." AKA "sense of entitlement." It can wear on yr nerves.

Drama Inherent

Really hot girls are used to being the center of attention. If they're not, much like a young child, or a grown man with a drug problem, they will do bad things to get attention. This may include crying over nothing, starting arguments, yelling, getting involved with gang activity, tattoos, clothing removal, flirting with strange men so that bar fights will ensue, etc.
Some of these things are fun. But not for longer than about ten minutes.

Constant Competition

I like competition as much as the next guy. I'm cool with it. I don't trip if I see my girl getting chatted up by some douchebag with a trucker cap on. It's all good. I know what kind of girl she is when I meet her - if she's loyal, the chat is going to end one way. If she's trampy, then she was never mine to begin with and as long as I hit it one time I'm ok with letting her fly.

There's something about knowing your game always has to be tight though. If you slip, the hot girl in yr life has a constantly expanding rolodex of bros that she can call at will. And those bros are waiting in the wings with baited breath that's for sure. Every day when yr hot girl goes to the mailbox or the grocery store or to church or to the kitchen, there r bros. And when they say "can I help you?" or "hello, how are you?" or "omg do you need me to call an ambulance b/c yr having a stroke?" what they really mean is

"Do you want some dick?"

Physical Security

Let's face it. Hot girls can be annoying but dudes r no angels either. Sometimes they rape girls. Or kidnap them, or worse. Even girls that are substandard are at risk, but the hotter they are, and the younger they are, the more dangerous it is for them.
So if u r with a hot girl, letting her walk to the store alone is sometimes not a great idea. You have to man up a hell of a lot more and walk with her everywhere. Bottom line rapists stalk all women, but if they see a 10 they're going to aim high unless they see she has a protector with her, or if they sense she's strong enough to be a problem.
Sometimes you have to take lumps behind a fight or two, even if they're not with rapists and chesters. That's just life, but it can get old. If you're out somewhere, and you're on that aggro shit, having everyone check out yr girlfriend is a problem. What are you going to do, challenge everyone with what r u looking at? Ugly girls you don't have anything to worry about. Nobody cares lol.

Lack of Intelligence / Consciousness

This might be the most problematic. In general the hotties don't ever need to develop a good personality or have any depth of character, or explore what the nature of consciousness is. This equals some pretty uncool situations and lack of conversation, and implies the next logical question:
Is dating someone that's vapid the same as dating someone with mental handicaps? Because the latter we can all agree is wrong. But the former...well it's happening everywhere right now.
I have been blessed to meet two beautiful curvy young girls who absolutely loved Sartre. So of course there is an exception to every rule. But how often do you catch some hottie listening to NPR? Sadly, it's usually Flo-Rida and all his lyrical glory.

I Want You To Be Happy! So Dump Your Girlfriend! Unsolicited Advice!

I Want You To Be Happy! So Dump Your Girlfriend! Unsolicited Advice!

Hey bro. I want you to be happy. Really. So I'm asking you to dump your girlfriend. Cuz, really, dude. She's not good for you.

I think you know it too, but u might be too scared to take that step. You're scared to be alone. I get it, I know how it is. But if you're brave and take that step, you know you'll be so much happier!

Not saying I know what's best for you or anything, but I do know u r a real pimp (or maybe a mack) and I've seen your work. Remember that dime u pulled? The real dimey one? Now she was fine and good to you. U f*k&d that up, I know, but you can pull 1 one more again.

This girl you got now man...look she's running around all over the place, slutting it up at the nightclubs. She's a barstar. She's an attention whore. And I see you texting the SHIT out of this girl late at night. Dude u r my bro for life but let's be honest:

U R Backwards hustling with this broad.

Always with the angry phone calls, the texting the texting the texting. Text some more. Again, please text her an angry text one more time, so she can call you names via text LOL.

Dude it's just not healthy! So I'm asking you as a bro to just dump her. Dude everywhere we go girls are throwing themselves at you - good looking girls too! But you got this one girl, who really does not look very good and u r obsessed with her.

Bro u can do so much better. U r better than that. Really.

Imagine a day without angry calling, angry texting, without hearing about her sexploits at different parties with her "friends", without giving a f%^&*k if u run into her at her HQ bar or if u see her shady-@$$ sorostitute sisters.

Imagine a life where you are with some girl that likes you / lusts you for you, and not just out for whatever sick, jealous repetition of her (insert various childhood trauma here yawwwwwwn).

Aren't you bored of that drama? I know I am. I'm 67 years old now, and I'm finally starting to grow up and realize that dating 18 year-olds is just sort of immature. You have to date at least 23 year-old girls. They're mature and have a good head on their shoulders.

Now ur current girlfriend is technically older than you at 44, but it's her attitude and personality that is too young. She's still stepping out to the nightclubs and swinging the glowsticks and throwing on the glitter lotion like there's no tomorrow. So my point is, if you're going to deal with all of that glitter lotion, and all that it entails, at least have her be young and pretty! This girl isn't even that.

In short, bro, I want you to get rid of one of these things:

1. gf who drinks, gets crazy angry drunken master Jackie Chan rage
2. gf who is ugly
3. gf who is a *sigh scenester *yawwwwn
   
4. gf who is an attention whore
5. gf who always has drama
6. gf who texts you 78 times in one day
7. gf who is calling other bros and dropping 'em like it's going outta style
8. a life of backwards hustling

You can have one or two. Hell, that's just what you have to get for dealing with women sometimes. Nobody's perfect. Post ERA we have to deal with a whole new level of drama and promiscuity.

But all of it put together? I can see it's kllng you. Don't want you to commit suicide bro, or worse do the suicide murder thing and end up on the news or EVEN WORSE in the blogs where the hipsters will mock you. That's a fate worse than death, right? To have all of those painfully cool people making fun of you because you weren't cool enough to have a cool gf who wouldn't be so uncool? So chill out on all of that drama you got man.

Dump your girlfriend.

Yes, I am talking about you, bro.