I Want You To Be Happy! So Dump Your Girlfriend! Unsolicited Advice!

I Want You To Be Happy! So Dump Your Girlfriend! Unsolicited Advice!

Hey bro. I want you to be happy. Really. So I'm asking you to dump your girlfriend. Cuz, really, dude. She's not good for you.

I think you know it too, but u might be too scared to take that step. You're scared to be alone. I get it, I know how it is. But if you're brave and take that step, you know you'll be so much happier!

Not saying I know what's best for you or anything, but I do know u r a real pimp (or maybe a mack) and I've seen your work. Remember that dime u pulled? The real dimey one? Now she was fine and good to you. U f*k&d that up, I know, but you can pull 1 one more again.

This girl you got now man...look she's running around all over the place, slutting it up at the nightclubs. She's a barstar. She's an attention whore. And I see you texting the SHIT out of this girl late at night. Dude u r my bro for life but let's be honest:

U R Backwards hustling with this broad.

Always with the angry phone calls, the texting the texting the texting. Text some more. Again, please text her an angry text one more time, so she can call you names via text LOL.

Dude it's just not healthy! So I'm asking you as a bro to just dump her. Dude everywhere we go girls are throwing themselves at you - good looking girls too! But you got this one girl, who really does not look very good and u r obsessed with her.

Bro u can do so much better. U r better than that. Really.

Imagine a day without angry calling, angry texting, without hearing about her sexploits at different parties with her "friends", without giving a f%^&*k if u run into her at her HQ bar or if u see her shady-@$$ sorostitute sisters.

Imagine a life where you are with some girl that likes you / lusts you for you, and not just out for whatever sick, jealous repetition of her (insert various childhood trauma here yawwwwwwn).

Aren't you bored of that drama? I know I am. I'm 67 years old now, and I'm finally starting to grow up and realize that dating 18 year-olds is just sort of immature. You have to date at least 23 year-old girls. They're mature and have a good head on their shoulders.

Now ur current girlfriend is technically older than you at 44, but it's her attitude and personality that is too young. She's still stepping out to the nightclubs and swinging the glowsticks and throwing on the glitter lotion like there's no tomorrow. So my point is, if you're going to deal with all of that glitter lotion, and all that it entails, at least have her be young and pretty! This girl isn't even that.

In short, bro, I want you to get rid of one of these things:

1. gf who drinks, gets crazy angry drunken master Jackie Chan rage
2. gf who is ugly
3. gf who is a *sigh scenester *yawwwwn
   
4. gf who is an attention whore
5. gf who always has drama
6. gf who texts you 78 times in one day
7. gf who is calling other bros and dropping 'em like it's going outta style
8. a life of backwards hustling

You can have one or two. Hell, that's just what you have to get for dealing with women sometimes. Nobody's perfect. Post ERA we have to deal with a whole new level of drama and promiscuity.

But all of it put together? I can see it's kllng you. Don't want you to commit suicide bro, or worse do the suicide murder thing and end up on the news or EVEN WORSE in the blogs where the hipsters will mock you. That's a fate worse than death, right? To have all of those painfully cool people making fun of you because you weren't cool enough to have a cool gf who wouldn't be so uncool? So chill out on all of that drama you got man.

Dump your girlfriend.

Yes, I am talking about you, bro.