Do I Have to Be A Flamer To Be In Fashion?

Haven't blogged in a while because I've been distracted with real life, like the women in my life. And by the women in my life I mean my 72 virgin mistresses, my baby's mother, my new little baby girl, my baby's mother's sister, my baby's mother's classmate, and my own mother. All of whom have been living in my house (except for the virgin mistresses, I have the good sense to keep them off site). So with all those women in the house I've got estrogen coming out of my ears and I'm going batshit crazy.

But anyway shit calmed down and my Mom FINALLY went home and the baby's settled, so I went back looking at my favorite blogs, one of which is superfuture.com. And there I saw some hot fashion, like they normally have, but also like normal it looked completely fucking gay.

Don't h8 the gays. They are cool. But I'm not gay. I love women. So how come the newest fashion has guys dressing like they are the gay and/or like a woman?






And the thing is, Jeremy Piven is a cool dude. But damn he's rocking the V Neck like it's legal. SUSPECT.

How do yall feel? Is it okay to dress like a woman / hombrosexual, as long as you're comfortable enough with your own sexuality?










Maybe one day it will be ok. Until then I have to dress like the Marlboro man.

TI Snitching. The Final Word.

This video kind of clears that up.

There are a lot of websites saying one of three things:

1) TI is still an authentic trapper rapper and NOT a snitch
2) TI is snitching, and his new rap name is Mr. Go Tell It
3) TI is snitching, but this is the right thing to do
4) TI is knee deep in snitches, got snitches for days, TI can't turn around without bumping into another telling dude

Before we get to the dryer analysis, let's look at some aggregation of the websites saying each of the above examples.

"theres no way a convicted felon gets caught buyin assault rifles with silencers and get off with community service and probation...."





"Finally someone stood up and made sense. Thanks for that, tired of the haters always tryin to kick T.I. down..."








"...let’s just pretend he did. Does rejecting the notion of reporting a crime to the police contradict the positive message he’s trying to instill in young people?"





"...what he does not mention, though, is his prior work as a Drug Enforcement Administration informant who snitched out criminal cohorts and testified as a government witness at the trial of an Atlanta heroin trafficker."



And now the final word: if money was all it took to stay out of prison, none of the Enron boys would have seen a day. Mandatory federal guidelines require felons with firearms to serve a minimum of a five year sentence, consecutively. Check it out on the link.

Question for the day: When you listen to TI, you're giving money to an informer. Does this cause a moral dilemma for you? Or is it something that doesn't really matter to you? Many rappers are fake trappers, down-lo bros, and worse. So is it really that bad that one is an informer? Let me know yall.

New Styles from NASCAR yall

OMG. OMG. O. M. G.

No photoshop was used in the creation of these photos. They are for real yall. (except for the ones that a hereditary republican would have made) They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so in the interest of brevity I need to just post this picture and end this weblog post.

Can we just analyze this picture one time? OMG when I took it I was breathtaken, but it’s like too much to take in at one time. Seriously this guy has shaved Dale Earnhardt Jrbro’s 88 number on to his chest. Besides the obvious numerological significance Im just astounded at his steady, steady hand. Look at his work. I bet he is a brain surgeon in his off time.

And this comment is not made snarkily. Dude look at his eyes, they are not that drunk and communicate a great degree of self-awareness via the angle of mouth openness. Which is zero. If this same dude was a mouth breather we might dismiss him, but the face saves it. I worked at a NASCAR event over the weekend, at the Chippendale’s #69 Car Latent Homosexual Driving Experience, and was truly astounded at what I saw.






Please keep in mind I am not some weak, sniveling New York or Jersey transplant screaming into her cellphone “you won’t believe it here! Everything closes at 9:00!” I’ve lived in the south my whole life. I was born in Tennessee, in the “BBQ Capital of the world,” and then moved to North Carolina, and stayed there. I hang out with people that are southern. I take on a southern accent in order to make them feel comfortable. I drink moonshine. I’ve eaten BBQ raccoon. Twice. I like big butts. I cannot lie.

So for me to be astounded is a big thing. Almost as big as the butts that I like. I’ve been around a lot of rednecks and upper-class southerners my whole life, and in fact I’ve worked for NASCAR before, but I figured out what happened, why I was astounded. Usually I go to a cookout, or to my friend’s house, and there is usually that guy, or maybe two guys. He drinks too much, he plays his music too loud. Or he starts fights. Or he calls everyone a faggot because he secretly dreams about Lance Bass. He is an asshole. But people accept him because he falls asleep after too long and it’s sort of annoying to whup him every night. He probably is overweight.

So it’s an economy of scale: 50,000 NASCAR fans = higher proportion of THAT GUY = WOW.

So what does that mean? It means when I’m not busy “hosting” for the Senators and Congressmen at the Chippendale’s #69 Car Latent Homosexual Driving Experience, I took pictures to try and capture the flavor of everything. This was a little dangerous because when you do that ppl think maybe u support Obama Bin Laden Al Hussein Al Barack.














But don’t think that NASCAR fans are one dimensional. Clearly they accept ppl of all homobrosexual orientations and mentally handicap bros, as we see here. I feel the need to reiterate that no photoshop was used here. I couldn’t make this up if I tried.









A word on “retardz.” Just because we’re at a NASCAR event in the south, does that mean many of the ppl will be retarded? Of course not. Many Damn Yankees will probably say yes and laugh behind their hands, or if you think that u r “cooler” than rednecks then you might say yes.
I never would.

But I was wrong. There were a lot of retarded ppl there. Like more than usual. I’m just calling it like I see it man. The white liberal in me didn’t want to admit it. But it was there! I didn’t take flix of that because that’s wrong. (NOTE: why is it wrong to take a flick of a retarded person but not of someone who shaves an 88 in their chest hair? Is there a difference in their IQ? There is, about a 30 point difference, and this 30 point difference enables us to poke fun at them. Because the +30s should know better.)

Perhaps more astounding was the banality of most of the crowd. Sure I snapped a few flix of some freaks, but the real tragedy was that most of the ppl were poster children for adult onset diabetes and did not take pride in the way they looked when they left the house. Like pulling up the pants REAL far up the waist.

The NASCAR race seemed to hold the extremes of the population: those that tucked in their shirts into their shorts,and those that didn’t even have shirts to tuck in.


A final question to ponder throughout your life:

Since I stood in the sun at a NASCAR event, below the Mason-Dixon line, in North Carolina, and the skin on my neck became sunburned and did actually turn red,

AM I A REDNECK?

Want An Ugly Girlfriend Please

Want An Ugly Girlfriend Please

Hey if there are some really ugly girls out there please know that I want you. To be my gf. For real yall.

Y would you ever want to do that? "You must be being ironic", u r saying to yourself right now.

But I'm not. I want an ugly gf. Like a 5.0 or a 4.0. No hot girls please.

OK I don't want an ugly gf because if I really did want one I would have one.


BUT when I see some bros with their ugly, fugly, or completely boring looking girls I am jealous.


I think to myself, they must be really secure with themselves, and also I bet they have like the most peaceful life.

Because really hot, sexy girls are, in general, trouble. Like there was this Smmmmokin hot girl Helen I was dating, and it turned out she was married, and then her husband went all apeshit on me, and you know he's Greek so you know how that's going to go. He and like a thousand of his homies got in their boats and murdered I don't know how many of my homies and then we were fighting for years.

Wait I'm trippin that didn't happen to me. But it did happen thousands of years ago, to dudes that weren't even myspacing yet.

But my point is this:
Really hot and sexy girls are big time trouble. A lot of times I'll be on the phone or texting with one, about to figure out the logistics of how and where to meet, knowing I'll probably have sex.
But I bow out. Because they're too much trouble to put up with. Why? That's a good question, I'm glad you axed:

WHY HOT GIRLS ARE MORE TROUBLE THAN THEY'RE WORTH

1. Attitude
2. Drama Inherent
3. Constant Competition
4. Physical Security
5. Lack of Intelligence / Consciousness

Attitude

If you grow up and everyone is always giving you what you want, and agreeing with you, and nodding their heads, and not giving you tickets when you're drunk driving with an open bottle of Stoli in one hand and an eight ball of something in the other hand driving backwards down a one-way straight over small children then u start to think you can get anything you want.
And you talk to people as if you can.
This is called "attitude." AKA "sense of entitlement." It can wear on yr nerves.

Drama Inherent

Really hot girls are used to being the center of attention. If they're not, much like a young child, or a grown man with a drug problem, they will do bad things to get attention. This may include crying over nothing, starting arguments, yelling, getting involved with gang activity, tattoos, clothing removal, flirting with strange men so that bar fights will ensue, etc.
Some of these things are fun. But not for longer than about ten minutes.

Constant Competition

I like competition as much as the next guy. I'm cool with it. I don't trip if I see my girl getting chatted up by some douchebag with a trucker cap on. It's all good. I know what kind of girl she is when I meet her - if she's loyal, the chat is going to end one way. If she's trampy, then she was never mine to begin with and as long as I hit it one time I'm ok with letting her fly.

There's something about knowing your game always has to be tight though. If you slip, the hot girl in yr life has a constantly expanding rolodex of bros that she can call at will. And those bros are waiting in the wings with baited breath that's for sure. Every day when yr hot girl goes to the mailbox or the grocery store or to church or to the kitchen, there r bros. And when they say "can I help you?" or "hello, how are you?" or "omg do you need me to call an ambulance b/c yr having a stroke?" what they really mean is

"Do you want some dick?"

Physical Security

Let's face it. Hot girls can be annoying but dudes r no angels either. Sometimes they rape girls. Or kidnap them, or worse. Even girls that are substandard are at risk, but the hotter they are, and the younger they are, the more dangerous it is for them.
So if u r with a hot girl, letting her walk to the store alone is sometimes not a great idea. You have to man up a hell of a lot more and walk with her everywhere. Bottom line rapists stalk all women, but if they see a 10 they're going to aim high unless they see she has a protector with her, or if they sense she's strong enough to be a problem.
Sometimes you have to take lumps behind a fight or two, even if they're not with rapists and chesters. That's just life, but it can get old. If you're out somewhere, and you're on that aggro shit, having everyone check out yr girlfriend is a problem. What are you going to do, challenge everyone with what r u looking at? Ugly girls you don't have anything to worry about. Nobody cares lol.

Lack of Intelligence / Consciousness

This might be the most problematic. In general the hotties don't ever need to develop a good personality or have any depth of character, or explore what the nature of consciousness is. This equals some pretty uncool situations and lack of conversation, and implies the next logical question:
Is dating someone that's vapid the same as dating someone with mental handicaps? Because the latter we can all agree is wrong. But the former...well it's happening everywhere right now.
I have been blessed to meet two beautiful curvy young girls who absolutely loved Sartre. So of course there is an exception to every rule. But how often do you catch some hottie listening to NPR? Sadly, it's usually Flo-Rida and all his lyrical glory.

I Want You To Be Happy! So Dump Your Girlfriend! Unsolicited Advice!

I Want You To Be Happy! So Dump Your Girlfriend! Unsolicited Advice!

Hey bro. I want you to be happy. Really. So I'm asking you to dump your girlfriend. Cuz, really, dude. She's not good for you.

I think you know it too, but u might be too scared to take that step. You're scared to be alone. I get it, I know how it is. But if you're brave and take that step, you know you'll be so much happier!

Not saying I know what's best for you or anything, but I do know u r a real pimp (or maybe a mack) and I've seen your work. Remember that dime u pulled? The real dimey one? Now she was fine and good to you. U f*k&d that up, I know, but you can pull 1 one more again.

This girl you got now man...look she's running around all over the place, slutting it up at the nightclubs. She's a barstar. She's an attention whore. And I see you texting the SHIT out of this girl late at night. Dude u r my bro for life but let's be honest:

U R Backwards hustling with this broad.

Always with the angry phone calls, the texting the texting the texting. Text some more. Again, please text her an angry text one more time, so she can call you names via text LOL.

Dude it's just not healthy! So I'm asking you as a bro to just dump her. Dude everywhere we go girls are throwing themselves at you - good looking girls too! But you got this one girl, who really does not look very good and u r obsessed with her.

Bro u can do so much better. U r better than that. Really.

Imagine a day without angry calling, angry texting, without hearing about her sexploits at different parties with her "friends", without giving a f%^&*k if u run into her at her HQ bar or if u see her shady-@$$ sorostitute sisters.

Imagine a life where you are with some girl that likes you / lusts you for you, and not just out for whatever sick, jealous repetition of her (insert various childhood trauma here yawwwwwwn).

Aren't you bored of that drama? I know I am. I'm 67 years old now, and I'm finally starting to grow up and realize that dating 18 year-olds is just sort of immature. You have to date at least 23 year-old girls. They're mature and have a good head on their shoulders.

Now ur current girlfriend is technically older than you at 44, but it's her attitude and personality that is too young. She's still stepping out to the nightclubs and swinging the glowsticks and throwing on the glitter lotion like there's no tomorrow. So my point is, if you're going to deal with all of that glitter lotion, and all that it entails, at least have her be young and pretty! This girl isn't even that.

In short, bro, I want you to get rid of one of these things:

1. gf who drinks, gets crazy angry drunken master Jackie Chan rage
2. gf who is ugly
3. gf who is a *sigh scenester *yawwwwn
   
4. gf who is an attention whore
5. gf who always has drama
6. gf who texts you 78 times in one day
7. gf who is calling other bros and dropping 'em like it's going outta style
8. a life of backwards hustling

You can have one or two. Hell, that's just what you have to get for dealing with women sometimes. Nobody's perfect. Post ERA we have to deal with a whole new level of drama and promiscuity.

But all of it put together? I can see it's kllng you. Don't want you to commit suicide bro, or worse do the suicide murder thing and end up on the news or EVEN WORSE in the blogs where the hipsters will mock you. That's a fate worse than death, right? To have all of those painfully cool people making fun of you because you weren't cool enough to have a cool gf who wouldn't be so uncool? So chill out on all of that drama you got man.

Dump your girlfriend.

Yes, I am talking about you, bro.

Kim Kardashian's Ass. What Could Be More Important?

Kim Kardashian's Ass. What Could Be More Important?


The economic meltdown. Genocide in Africa. Civil unrest challenging the rule of law in Eastern Europe. With all of these vital, life-and-death situations on our plate as global citizens, what could be more important right now?

Kim Kardashian's ass could. I write this with only a small degree of irony.

I came to this decision whilst googling images of Kim Kardashian's ass on google image search. For all the eye-rollers out there, I've already got you pegged:

you're either female (in which case this blog is not fah ya)

or you're now leaving this blog and navigating to google image search (Really? *Corky voice* There's a search engine for images?) search term "Kim+ Kardashian +ass"

So as I found several of these images, and there are several, not only was I blown away by the beauty therein, but I was also blown away by the hate that was associated with it in the articles. Of course there are haters everywhere, but it's like every article was calling her out as having "cottage cheese ass" or "butt implants" or simply a "ginormous ass." I've seen some big asses in my time, for good and ill. And her ass is not that big. It's medium.

Now it is beautifully shaped - that's why I'm aiming my search and the rest of my being towards it - but not that big. This is kind of like the J-Lo thing that happened a few years ago. People saying it's the biggest ever. It's just big, it's not like Jupiter. So all that hate and stuff on the blogs? There has to be an explanation. Maybe the female bloggers are hating, that makes sense. But the guys? Why would they hate? Maybe they're blogging with their girlfriend over their shoulder? I've discussed this at length with friends, and I won't bore you with all of the psychobabble about subconscious racism, and socioeconomic discrimination, but it boils down to this:

Your dick is too small. Yeah I said it.

It's just biology dude. If you're bottoming out and hitting the coccyx bone UH THAT DOESNT FEEL GOOD. When in public conversation and I hear a dude say "I don't like a big ass," I already know he's insecure about uhmmm length. And Kim Kardashian is not overweight, or fat. She's awesome-looking, and her ass is proportional to her waist, something close to the .7 ratio we've genetically selected to be most attractive for women.

So those dudes saying her ass is too big aint saying she's fat. They're saying they know they can't do a thing with it!

So if there's a great deal of big-ass-calling to Kardashian, and we've established that her ass is actually not that big, AND the blogs and news articles that say this are being consumed without too much protest (indicating some degree of tacit public agreement) what does this mean? Does this mean that most ppl are in fact missing big enough ass in their life? Does it mean that the majority are in fact having little dicks? My mind is a little boggled by this, but that's nothing new. Like am I crazy for thinking that her ass looks, you know, normal, and that's how it should look? As Scarface said, sometimes I feel like I'm the one that's doing dope.


So what have I learned today? To sum up:

• Kim Kardashian is bad in the ass, waist, and face.
  
  
• Ppl saying her ass is too big are either haters (jealous women) or men with tiny penii

• Looking at flix of Kardashian demands my attention far and above that of current sociopolitical events

420 Is Overexposed / Coolguy Fail

Ok so today is 420 right? For all yall that DON'T know:

(420 is the number of molecules in THC, the chemical in weed that gets you high. So the number is like magical man. And on today's date - April 20th - or 4/20 - heads all over the world puff in honor of that number. )


They're getting ready for the big day, they're baking brownies, they're rolling spliffs , cleaning out all the Roors and Sweetwaters, even soaking the glass screens, so they can get up the next day and just baaaaake all day dude. They're making special Moe / Dead / North Mississippi All Stars / Widespread .mp3 mixes, with the Jerry Garcia DVD loaded up. They spread hemp butter on their toast.


They even have Legalize it T-shirts on, & sweet trucker caps with the marijuana leaf logo on the front. They are wearing hemp necklaces and cargoes and sleep on hemp sheets and their hos have hemp thongs on and don't even get me started on all the hemp shirts they have DUDE it's like linen. Xcept it rubs you raw as a m^(&^fCk3r and then you use hemp butter lotion to soothe yr skin.

Dude they are SO ready for 420.

They set their watches for 4:20 a.m. AND p.m. (just to get a jump on those other poser stoners and be REALLY uh 420ed on both times).


When I was 16 this type of thing was the shit. I might have my bro point to a secret box or a dollar bill and show me how "I could put my weed in there" or how it showed the secret formula for the United States being based on the crop process for hemp. And all we could talk about was 420. But shockingly this year I find grown ass men speaking on 420. WTF


Yall so addicted. All this hemp and weed symbolism and numerology and narco-religion is lame as a motherfucker. I think weed is cool but yall are like worshipping it and Jim Jones isn't even making yall drink the Kool-Aid at AK point, yall just begging for it.

Feel a little bit ashamed because I argued with my Mom when I was younger and she told me drugs were just an escape from pain and reality. I've always been leftist, and support legalization, but ppl getting crunk = escapism = watching Rock of Love Tour Bus marathon = internet porn = Cinnamonster = I can't respect it except in small doses.

These days when I see ppl high in public I'm a little disgusted, and if they're sloppy the only thing I see is the Took Book. Ppl all the time are in the bar like "Dude, where's my phone," and all I want to do is laugh instead of help them. I do help them though but it's out of common respect for all ppl, the personal respect for them is GONE. I remember these guys so gone they're like Dude where's my pistol I lost it...It's like if they're drunk or rolling or weeded or Xanied or leant or their eyes are rolling for whatever reason I think these )(&^&(*^ got to GO. If'n yall can't handle yr liquor or lean or weed then chill out and sit down lol - yall about like this cop

Unless they're wearing stunna shades. Then it's ok because nobody can tell. JK yall soft as hell n we laughing at yall!

The worst is when they're at work. I can kind of go for it if you're already wealthy you probably don't need to be on top of yr game, but if you work at a regular job? Dude just stop doing drugs long enough to get me right, then go back to whatever it is you do.

So-called "Hood Clubs" GOOD SIDE / BAD SIDE

I work at a few nightclubs in my "city." (NOTE: many things will be left vague in this blog to avoid putting everybody on blast. In fact this hamlet I live in is really small so if I name names it's gonna get out. But does the world wide web make everything small / the world is flat now? Can I instantly put everyone on blast with the push of a button? Is it now the world wide blast?)


In conversation people find out I work some clubs which are "urban." By "urban" (which I say while putting my fingers in quotes) I mean they play hip hop/rap from AFTER 2006 (hip hop/rap BEFORE 2006 is called "wedding music").

Conversation (verbatim):

Them: Isn't it really uhmm ghetto?

Me: *Shrug) I guess it depends on what you mean by ghetto.

Them: *smirk

Me: I hadn't had any problems.

Them: Wow.

Issues: Subliminal racism based around the word "ghetto" or "hood." What ppl really mean when they say that is "isn't that a BLACK club?" Then they begin to tremble and sometimes urinate on themselves at the thought. Know everyone is @ least a little bit racist but when ppl just basically scream at me "I'm afraid of black ppl" it's kind of pathetic. You shouldn't fear any man.

Overuse of the word ghetto/hood. Ghetto and Hood both shared the title for Overexposed To The Point of Meaninglessness Word of the Year 2003 - 2007, only to be barely edged out by Swag (2008 - current), and I object to its use unless one:

a) lives in the hood
b) has lived in the hood (not visited your cousin for a few weeks during summer)
c) otherwise has a hood pass (jump offs and "gfs" do not count)

So if this doesn't apply to you, don't assume you know what it is. If you come hang out then you can call it what you want.

Having said all of that though, there are good things and bad things about working @ these so-called hood clubs:

GOOD SIDE

• Really good music, "hip" and "cutting edge"
• Get to see many current rapstars perform
  
• "Cool" clothing. (-snark, I mean it)
• Coogi and Blac Label enthusiasts are able to see entire line in one place
• Ppl "into the music" still "holding it together." Pretty much
• Absence of hard drugs (this might be a good side to just me, I'm s*ber as f*ck)
• Guaranteed to hear "Bounce Dat Ass" or "Doo Doo Brown" at least once per night
• No glass to clean up
• Absence of Fatman Scoop tracks
  
• Many trapstars are pretty cool people
• Security eager to throw hands
• I'm often the whitest person there
• Not distracted by the women
  

BAD SIDE

• Security eager to throw hands
• I'm often the whitest person there
• Watch out for the big girls
• many rapstars can not actually "rap" or even rock a party
  
• ppl wear price tags on their clothes
  
• Nightclub attitude heavy
• Some VIPs debatably important
  
• Bad tipper = Clown (and we are laughing at yr ass)
  
• Trap customers somehow get a ride to the club and worm their way in
• Debatable structural integrity of the building
• Bar management's true goals often in question
  
• Bare feet visible on both dance floor AND bathroom floor as women remove their HIGH HEELS IN ORDER TO DANCE. I wish I was making this up bro

DISCLAIMER: If you're offended, it's only because I was speaking about you specifically. Please put your shoes back on.